“So last question for the day, I have heard your dad call you “Buzz” a couple of times, why that?” He asked as he put his pen into his notepad and sat up straight.
“Okay, well when I was a little girl, we were watching this show together where a father had a nickname for her daughter so I asked him to give me one. He said he was going to call me Bella but he felt it was too common, so he decided to shorten it to just B but I felt it was weird so he went on, ‘I could call you Bee, which could mean that you make the sweetest thing in my life like Bees make honey.’ I was really happy because I got a nickname but then I tried buzzing like a Bee since I was his Bee and he told me to Buzz on. He has called me Buzz ever since.” I councluded shrugging my shoulder. I looked up to a smiling doctor Martin. He closed his book and put it in his bag on the table next to his chair.
“That would be all for today.” He said as he smiled at me and stood up to dust himself and picked his bag.
“Dr Martin wait please.” He looks at me for a while, nods, drops his bag and sits back down still smiling. Doesn’t his jaw hurt from all that smiling? He wasn’t like anyone I have met in my life. He was so calm and straight forward and was like he was staring right into me, like he was reading me better than me.
“I don’t know if I should be concerned or anything but it’s been a week and five days and all we do is sit here for an hour while you question me from across the room smiling.” I said as I played with my fingers trying to avoid his eyes.
“What am I not doing right Miss Mirabelle?” He asked as I heard him adjust on his seat.
“I don’t know. I’m just not comfortable with the attitude you’re putting up towards your job.” I heard myself say as I leaned in fully into my chair.
“I’m trying not to break our rules Miss Mirabelle. I want you to be comfortable with me here as your therapist.”
“Well I’m not!” I screamed interrupting him. I looked at him and he looked so relaxed with that smile still across his face. Did he think I was a joke to him? Did he feel like I was a patient or a test subject to him. He wasn’t saying anything but his straight look and completely relaxed behavior was pissing me off! Did he feel that he could never get hurt and quit this his smile game? I got up as I began walking away but I wasn’t going to let him have the last word! I turned swiftly as I walked right up to his face.
“You don’t understand one bit what I’m going through or what I have been through! You are just a doctor who probably feels he can resolve a suicidal patient! And could you maybe wipe that shameless smile on your stupid face!” I yelled as I took a deep breath, I still had a lot to say to this young man.
“Suicidal patient? You said you were fine and not suicidal. What changed?” He said before I could countine talking. I groan as I stared at his smiling face. I was upset, really hurt, I felt like the whole pain was back out. I just wanted to kill myself all over again. The pain was cracking so much, like all the pains I have ever felt was being felt at once. I knelt down and sat on my legs as I hugged myself and tears clouded my eyes. I sucked in deep breaths as I shut my eyes and broke into tears immediately.
“Hey it’s fine, let it all out.” I heard Dr Martin say as I felt him kneel next to me and pat my back slowly. I haven’t cried this bad before. I leaned in on him as he pulled me into a hug. I have never cried this bad in front of anyone and even when I cried, I was considered an attention seeker.
After about what felt like forever, I pulled away from Dr Martin feeling very weird and embarrassed. He handed me a hankerchief as he backed away from me to his seat.
“I’m sorry you had to see me like this, I don’t know why but I just couldn’t help it.” I said as I blew my nose into the cloth in my hand.
“It’s okay, I have seen worse. Do you want to talk about it yet?” He asked as I shook my head at him. He gave me a quick nod and picked up his bag to leave.
“Take your time Miss Mirabelle, I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk about it. And don’t feel bad about crying, it heals the soul, okay?” He said smiling at me as he began to leave