“Doctor! The patient has been moved to the emergency!”
“I would be right there. Run a blood test and try to stabilize the patient, I’m right behind you!”
“Okay Doctor.” She storms out as the doctor picks his coat, mask, gloves and stethoscope to move out.
“She is awake, you can see her now.”
“Thank you so much Doctor.” My mum replies as she and my siblings ran towards my room.
I wasn’t supposed to be found, I can’t do anything in peace in that house, not even dying in peace. I turned at the sound of the opening door to see my family step in with worry written all over their faces.
“Why would you slit your own wrist Mirabella?” My mum screamed as she walked towards me. I wasn’t ready to see her, she was one of the main reasons I was here. She places her bag on the desk next to my bed as my elder sister helps me sit up in a comfortable position.
“Bella?” My mum called almost like a question. I turned to look at a worried troubled woman. This was the first time I was seeing her like this.
“Mirabella Oluebube Frank, What happened?” She asked as she wrapped her hands around mine. She wasn’t the harsh mother she used to be, it was almost as if she was looking at me in pity. I turn to my siblings who were standing around my bed trying to look like they cared.
“Where is Daddy?” I asked so weakly. It was actually the second question I wa ms askingbsince I woke up. He is on his way here, he would be here soon.
Baby are you okay?”
Did I just hear my mother call me baby? That’s interesting, very interesting considering the fact that she put me in this state.
I remember the night I decided to kill myself, she wasn’t this caring. She had already called me hopeless the morning before we got the results because I hadn’t taken my bath in two days and my room was unkept. I was loosing my mind and the cut under my foot wasn’t even helping anymore. When the result was sent and she figured I failed the scholarship exam and that my younger sister had passed it, all hell was let loose.
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” She said to me as I zoned out into my world. I wasn’t ready to listen to this, I have a lot going on already, listening to her would complicate it.
In case you are wondering, I think I’m a depressed fellow. I’m the third child among four children. I want to be an actress, a famous one but everyone says I can’t because of my…; Yap, my size. I have attended tons of auditions, I received tons of compliments on my acting skills and self presentation but every director has held the same remark;
“You are on the plus size Mirabella.”
“You wouldn’t fit any of the characters.”
“You would take the mother role or be placed as an extra.”
How do I explain to them that an 18/19 year old aspiring actress can’t possibly be happy or comfortable about playing a mother to an older slimer Barbie looking girl? I have always been compared to my siblings. My other siblings are, well, better than me as my mother has always implied. My father doesn’t even have time for anything. He is a Business Developer and Sales Manager, which means I hardly see him. My older brother works in an oil company as a head engineer,at 25 years. I know! It’s pretty impressive and my sister is a television presenter for a music channel on DSTV and GO TV at 23 and me? Well at 19, I was still trying to pass my 4th WAEC which I finally did. My youngest sister is already a respected makeup artist in the whole of Port Harcourt at 16 and just passed her WAEC at a sitting and I haven’t heard the end of it. Well, technically I’m a failure in my little life and nobody clearly cares. My elder brother thinks I want to kill our mother. My elder sister is so ashamed of me. She and her crazy clique of friends took turns to bully me while in Secondary School. My younger sister went from being my closet person to criticizing me. My mum. I think she wishes I never wake up and my dad is way too busy to notice anything is wrong with me.
“Are you even listening to me?” I turned to look at my fuming mother who had rage in her eyes.
“No. No I’m not and I’m sorry mother I don’t wish to be a pain in your perfect life. I should return to my room before you pass out because of me.” I replied trying so hard not to show the sarcasm in my voice. I got up, dusted myself awkwardly and walked straight to my disorganised room. I wasn’t going to cry at all, trust me I wasn’t but my weak self wouldn’t listen to me. I rush over to my drawer and pulled out my pack of razors and began cutting off some flesh from under my foot. I sat there waiting for the pain in my foot to swallow up the pain I was feeling inside but it wasn’t working. The drugs, drinks, sleeping tablets, self harm… Nothing was working. The centre was clearly not holding. I was despicable to everyone: My family, my friends and myself. I feel my reflection hates me too. There is really nothing to live for, NOTHING! NADA! I am still the odd one in the family. No one wants to associate with me. I must be really disgusting to a lot of people. I hate myself for being this ugly and useless, I don’t want to continue in this misery. Besides, if I died today no one would care; absolutely no one.
Contributor: Otta Iheoma (oma)